I let girls stress me out. For real. I know this, but I can't seem to help it. I feel like a girl is just what I need to get moving forward. But it's really those girls that are holding me back.

Fuck it, man..

I got my lazy ass and just hit the Riverside mall with mom and Jeannine. Nice place. My first time out and about somewhere outside the city. There's really so much to do out here. I wish my friends could come out, but the sad truth is that I'd have to find some out here for that. I'm not much of a social guy, so that's not so easy. Though I did apply at US Cellular in the mall. I really want a new job out here.

I bought some gym shorts and a Cubs hat from Footaction.

I've been working out a lot and though I'm still the same skinny fuck I've always been, I'm so full of energy. And speed. I feel like I can do almost anything now. I really wanna get in a fight. As bad as that sounds.. I haven't been in a fight since sixth grade. I wanna deck someone..

I've been in good spirits for a while now, despite all the moody shit I went through earlier today. I love how I just got up, said "fuck it" and made myself happy again. I love life.

Going jogging, now. Wheeeeee

I haven't written in here in a really long time. That's where my biggest problem lies. I've abandoned my own thoughts and opinions in favor of what everyone else says and thinks. I've lost myself in someone else's little world and forgotten how to be me.

I've been working at Butera for the last two months. I quit the hotel in April in what has become the beginning of my downward spiral. Butera is kinda like a big Polish supermarket. I work in the deli serving hordes of angry Polish men and women. They're seriously pissed all of the time. I hate it.

My band is done. Personal differences and some musical. I was sick of the genre of music we played. Over-done junk Metal. I began to hate everything about it.

What positive have I been up to? Not too much. I work out every day without much success. I've only gained a few pounds, I'm stronger but still lacking muscle, and my immune system still sucks a big one. I'm sick right now as a matter of fact.

Girls are shittier than ever. Still chasing that Laurel girl who I wish wouldn't fuck with me and instead just straight up tell me she doesn't like me in that way. I almost had Caitie talking to me again, but I really don't know what's going on there. Everything seemed fine Wednesday night. I was so happy, I treated some friends to a late night dinner. I let Thursday go by. Friday, I texted her trying to make plans for today, her birthday. Today has already come and gone. No Caitie. Plus, I'm sick. Plus tomorrow I work. Plus I'm still a skinny little bitch.

I really gotta pull myself out of this slump, at least so I have something good to say about myself. Confidence, self esteem are at an all time low. I'm not putting this out there to gain your pity. I'm just being honest, more with myself than with anybody reading this. I need to get my shit together before I kill myself - mentally, emotionally, and physically.